Say it in The Living Years!
‘The Eulogy’, or as some call it ‘The Tribute’, is perhaps the central part of most funeral services. An opportunity to talk about the deceased and honour their lives, identify their achievements and recognise how they have graced and blessed the lives of the many with whom they spent their years.
I wonder though, whether the words spoken during this part of the service, either by or on behalf of the family, would come as a surprise to the person that they are talking about. Have we told them what we feel about them in their living years?
Within a eulogy, recounting some of the factual aspects of an individual’s life – perhaps their early years or their distinguished career can often be spoken with clarity and no quiver in the voice. However, once we start to talk about deeply treasured memories that we shared or express our emotions as to how we felt about the person, real emotion can quickly kick in and anything from a few pauses and some spluttering words through to outright sobbing, and every conceivable emotion in between can ensue.
Yet how often do these beautiful words and feelings ever get expressed to a loved one before they die? Are we good at articulating our love and appreciation of people face to face? Not just a few flowery phrases written on a birthday card or Mother’s Day / Father’s Day card that has been picked up because the picture looks mildly better than the one you just put back as you say to yourself ‘That’ll do’… Surely in an ideal world, the words of a eulogy will be those that have already been declared to the loved family member or friend frequently, prior to their death.
When we take the time to do this and speak out telling family and friends how they have enriched our lives and how thankful we are to have spent time with them the outcome can be memorable for the rest of our life. Let me share an experience that I have had.
Introduction to church life for me came at the age of 15. Riding my bike one evening through a local park there were some lads playing football. I discovered that they were a local church team and although I was just too old to play in the team I was welcome to join in that evening. Afterwards I went with the team manager – himself only a couple of years older than me to the local pub where I was introduced to some of the other church youth group. An unorthodox introduction to church life – but hey would you expect anything different of me?
As the weeks turned to months turned to years, I benefitted from being a part of a fantastic youth group. We shared some great memories together and then I was offered the opportunity to be a young youth leader within that church. I look back with huge fondness to these times, the friends I grew up with and the youth leaders who invested in me and then allowed me the opening to take my first steps in youth ministry.
During these years we had many local young people come through the different youth groups that the church provided. One of these young people was called Simon. Simon was the son of the church minister, not overly sporty but a lad who I got on well with and was good to have in the group.
I remember the evening that he made his decision to ‘become a Christian’ a guy called Duncan Banks had spoken at an event that evening and Simon was moved to make his peace with God that evening and become a follower of Jesus. He and I then met up for an hour or so each week for the next few months as he started his journey of faith.
Another memory I have of Simon was when he played the male lead role in a Pantomime that we put on at the church one year. Cinderella played for one night only but happy memories, spoonerisms from James who played Buttons accidentally fluffing his lines ‘who so ever shits this foo’, instead of ‘fits this shoe’, scenery that we had painted, the church full and the applause at the end of a great night.
Teenage years were not a breeze though for Simon. His mother was diagnosed with cancer and whilst she continues to make recovery, this cruel disease left its impact and it is probably only now that I am able to reflect on how hard that must have been for Simon and all his family at that time.
I moved on from this church to become full time Youth Minister in another church the other side of town. Subsequently, I didn’t see too much of Simon through his A level years and those following as he went on to further study. So fast forward maybe 10 years. I was in a really dark time and place. Adultery had seen my marriage fail, my job was lost, my home was with friends who had taken me into their family for a couple of months. It was during this, doubtless lowest time of my life that an email pings up on my computer out of the blue.
Simon had emailed me. I had heard that he had been diagnosed himself with cancer but he explained in his email that it was terminal and would I be willing to meet up with him for lunch? Would I???? Immediately, I replied and a date was set for the following week.
Within a few days I drove north and met with Simon for the first time in quite a few years. After a quick catch up with him and his wife, he and I went to a local restaurant and spoke over a meal.
It was during this meal that he said something to me that will remain with me for the rest of my life. I asked him that as he was living with terminal cancer were there things that he had listed to do and achieve before he passed away. The phrase ‘bucket list’ was not one that I was familiar with back then but that’s exactly what I meant. He said ‘yes’ he had and that there were two things he particularly wanted to do whilst he was still alive. Curious to know I asked what these were. One was to return to Berwick Upon Tweed and see again the Puffins that he recalled from family holidays as a boy. ‘And what is the other?’ I enquired – He said that his other wish was to meet up with me again……. BOOM! My eyes filled with tears……. He continued, ‘you see I had a great relationship with my parents and my family as I grew up, but outside of my family you had the biggest influence in my life and I wanted to meet up again and say thank you.’
I have never been able to tell this story without the tears coming and getting choked and now I discover that I cannot type the story without the same thing happening.
An overwhelming feeling of unmerited favour, God’s grace, his compassion and mercy filled me and continues to whenever I recall this day. In my darkest season of my life, here I was reconnecting with someone honouring me for my input into his life. I remain genuinely humbled – thank you Simon, thank you God!
Saying goodbye was a strange experience, knowing that it was highly likely that I wouldn’t be meeting up with him again, we hugged, and I drove away my eyes laden with tears.
Simon passed away just a few weeks later. I deeply regret that I didn’t go to his funeral. The truth is I bottled it. My shame and guilt from my own failings and circumstances convinced me that I wouldn’t be welcome or at best, I should stay away to avoid embarrassment for others. But that afternoon I spent with him, talking and hearing him as he prayed a blessing over me is one of the most special memories of my life so far. I am deeply honoured that I had that opportunity to hear how he felt I had played an important role in his life.
Now what about us? Are there people who have shaped and impacted your life in such a way as to prompt you to arrange a face to face conversation and in turn honour and pay tribute to them? Are there words that you need to speak into the lives of loved ones before they pass away? Words of thanks, blessings to declare over and into people’s lives? If ever there comes a time when we stand to deliver the eulogy to someone important in our lives, I pray that what you say would in no way come a surprise to the person who’s life you are celebrating.
And yes there is a huge note to self here but maybe for you also…
Love to know your thoughts………….
God bless you x